Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

Sucks when good bands have dumb names.

“What are you listening to?”

“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”

“…”

baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.

Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”

Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?

*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*

I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.

Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.

My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.

having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler

“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

[High School Reunion]

Me: Those were the days, right?

Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress

Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?

*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”

—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now

I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.

What I say: It’s time to get dressed.

What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.

So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.

There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.