[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
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Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025