@Parentpains

Surround yourself with people that can’t handle their alcohol, so you can drink theirs after they pass out.

Surround yourself with people that can’t handle their alcohol, so you can drink theirs after they pass out.

- @Parentpains

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@squirrel74wkgn

Me: Our neighbor is such a perv

Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?

Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep

@mynameshank

Super productive day, I took down all of my neighbor’s outdoor Christmas decorations.

@KentWGraham

Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.

@squirrel74wkgn

*walks in restroom reading phone*

*opens stall door & starts peeing*

Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…

@JermHimselfish

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

@Shen_the_Bird

Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!

Me: *shoving my way to the front* no

@cravin4

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.

@JohnLyonTweets

Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.

@Kids_kubed

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

@FatherofTweet

Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike.