I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
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I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??