Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this

I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets

8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”

8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.

I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.

we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi

person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer

me *on my deathbed: I doubt it

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.

The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.

I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.

Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!

[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*

Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.

Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.

[Orca Winfrey Show]

ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!

AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*

I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious

inside you are two wolves

Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.

Is it because I’m brown??

My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.

The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.