Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
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I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…
Spider: [doing the moonwalk]
Narrator: wtf no
Spider: [breakdancing]
Narrator: omg
Spider: [doing the robot] lol
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
a McRib killed my tapeworm
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*