Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House

Me: You a good personal trainer?

Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.

Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”

Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”

My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!

ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.

“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.

The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing

*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?

Blocked: 1985

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.

Did You Know?

Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.

*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.

Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays

You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.

“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.

Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min

*Ordering Chinese Food

Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby

The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*

Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?

[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th