Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
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One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
are there any atheist mantises?
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”