Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
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Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.