Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
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People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
finally
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
☠️ ☠️
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.