Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
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Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Moms. The original autocorrect.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.