Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
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me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
LOL
