Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.

I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

9 circles of hell in this economy?

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”

I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.

Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.

My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.

[God creating cheesecake]

GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good

ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?

GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]

If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext

Deadpool was Green Lantern

Batman was Daredevil

Captain America was Human Torch

And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long

Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long

Boss: Why were you late today?

Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*

Me: Traffic.

WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…