Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
You Might Also Like
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Me: Do you ever get a sharp stabbing pain in your head and groin?
Annoying coworker: No.Me, angrily throwing away the voodoo doll
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.