Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
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11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.