Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
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Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
why neck hurt
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Fries, not lies.