[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
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I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Worth a try
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty