Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR

me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]

guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy

If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

May never get over this

*Bat signal lights up Gotham*

Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*

There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.

Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?

The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff

so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it

cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke

Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.

Me: (awkward silence)

{The Mothburbs}

Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.

ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.

THERAPIST:

ME:

THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?

[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple

I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”

Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.

Me: Here you go.

Her: WTF?

Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.

Her: I said gelatin mold!

Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.