[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
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Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
X-tra spooky blend
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Many hands make light work
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger