[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
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Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Florida man
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?