Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
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I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Bring back the McRib
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Wait.
Did we ever figure out what it means when you match with your therapist on Tinder?
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Like sleeping!
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs