Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,

Your secret is safeish with me

Air pods looking like an angry frog

Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow

Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.

Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…

Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it

“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”

But she got me a shitty gift.

“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”

Well that’s a dumb policy.

SONOFA

Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”

DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”

Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”

But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”

And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why

My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!

i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes

Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?

Me: Lol I know right

Therapist: For real though

Me: Can you imagine haha

Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion

Me: Wait, that’s an option?

People buying plungers never look happy.

Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.