Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
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[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
In banana years, I am bread.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.