Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.

Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?

[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs

Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.

You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”

Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?

came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!

Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed

Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.

I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.

Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe

What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster

[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby

Me typing: univrsity

Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.

Me: Haha oops.

Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”

Me: Why would I say that?

Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.

Felony is a beautiful name for a girl

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing

8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?

me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?

8yo: no that’s not it

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.

ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.

*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..

Sure. Why not?

hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused

I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?

Because they have such big fingers.

Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…

I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.

Wanna know what it’s like being married?

Chain yourself to a wild animal.

Now kick the animal.

Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.