Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
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Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago