Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
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If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
i actually laughed 😩
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag