My bank account has 7 figures but 6 of them are to the right of the decimal point.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
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No wonder dinosaurs went extinct. They were made of bones. If they’d had some organs and muscles they’d probably still be here.
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. That says everything about marriage.
Me: How was your first day of school?
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Him: Baby are you mad?
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
If I ever want to hide something from my husband I’d put it in the dishwasher- he’d never look in there
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
Me: Never mind.