Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dog: [brings sticks inside]

me: no that belongs outside

me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]

dog: what the actual shit is this

3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.

3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?

She’s going to crush high school.

I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.

I feel like one of these would kill a European

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “Efficient.”

[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”

If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.

I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.

lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers

wife: anyone have a pen?

james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.

w: thanks…why 3 times?

jb: its an old pen

w: its a bomb isnt it!?!

jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ

FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

*dies and gets to hell*

I really thought I’d lived a good life.

*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*

Oh yeah. Fair enough.

“The Perfect Relationship”

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

thug: empty your pockets

me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!

thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30

me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?

Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard

Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it

I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy

Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving

Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!