Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.

Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins

so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD

“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”

Christmas Day

“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”

Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition

Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless

Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times

Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.

as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.

as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

I hope this email punches you square in the face

If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.

Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.

I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.

She’s not dead, just very condescending.

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast

Nobody ever told me that this was an option.

When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.

Trust me on this.

The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.

When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?

So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.

Don’t tell me how to lift my baby

HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture

CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

me: no shoes in the house

murderer: sorry

“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.

The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.