If a gummy bear is chasing you, curl up like a ball and pretend you’re stoned

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Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one


Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?


Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no


Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.

May take them away tomorrow too.


I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie


Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”


The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.


Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.