@T_Bonezzz

SURVIVAL TIP

If a gummy bear is chasing you, curl up like a ball and pretend you’re stoned

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@Kyle_Raney

Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one

@Cpin42

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

@brandonIee

Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no

@LoveNLunchmeat

Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.

May take them away tomorrow too.

@dinnersruined

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

@TheFaceOfDave

Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”

@Thedudish

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.