Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
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Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Bros before Ohioes
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.