Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
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Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?