Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks

Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!

Cat: I just want to be friends.

I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?

Me: Put on your seatbelt.

13: Do I have to?

Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield

13: cool

Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!

Orange is oranging 🟠

Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.

We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.

Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here

I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.

What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?

A candy baa

#DadJoke

If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.

To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.

[morning after getting drunk]

age 23: did i make out with that guy

age 36: did i wash my face

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom

HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?

WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.

It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.

Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.

I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured

Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos

You can’t rush stupid.