*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
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My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.