Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

T: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.

This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁

[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]

Android user: See?

Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you

I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit

(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*

My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!

Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.

Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank y—

4: It looks like a bug

Me:

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday

I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.

if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?

Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

•a lion stalks a fawn•

•a man steps out from behind tree•

I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

Him: I love nerd girls!

Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.

Him: no. not like that

Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks

Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean