Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@SteveRyanComedy

*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*

Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy

@PaigeKellerman

Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.

@jonnysun

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

@thejessbess

Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”

@michaelianblack

Kim Davis becoming a Republican, dealing a huge blow to the “intolerant homophobic religious fundamentalist” wing of the Democratic Party.

@ozzyunc

Some days it doesn’t seem worth it to burst out of my own grave & terrorize the townsfolk.

@KateWhineHall

Calls for kids: Nobody responds.

Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.

@Vodkantots

Not now, kids.

Mommy’s boiling the Easter bunny.