*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
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I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
🌱🌱🌱
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*