*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
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If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Just added something to my bucket list.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.