Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
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Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?