Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
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BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
This kid will have a bright future.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.