Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
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8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Me too door. Me too.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.