Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
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She was REALLY feeling it.
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP