I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
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The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Are you on Twitter?
No. But if I ever join I’ll send you a friend request.
That’s how you make people believe you aren’t on Twitter.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
friendship on fleek
Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys.
You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*