Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
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Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
choose your gary
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Danger is very dangerous
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.