Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”

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I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.


The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.


Are you on Twitter?

No. But if I ever join I’ll send you a friend request.

That’s how you make people believe you aren’t on Twitter.


[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw

mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm

mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm

me: oh stephanie you’re better than this


Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*


Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys.

You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.


villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit


Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.


“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*