Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.

“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”

I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton

Kids: [inside playing on their phones]

Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.

[3 minutes later]

Kids: [outside playing on their phones]

After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.

It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?

Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim

customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut

me: sorry, we only accept cash

manager: can i talk to you

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

* Wins lottery

* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades

ㅤ

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?

Me: Yes.

Son: But you didn’t smell me.

Me: Yes.

How many light bulbs does it take to change people?

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress

I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.

Website: Are you a robot?

Me: *sighs* Man, if only.

[Couples Therapy]

HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead

HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26

ME: OMG SEE!

$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)

“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.