Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Communication during co-parenting is essential.

My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.

Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.

Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.

“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children

Wikigenius

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not

Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?

[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep

oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.

-my mirror

Inside the heads of four JCrew models.

Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.

[bank]

me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

I just want an internship man

They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.

I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”

I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”

FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.

Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!

Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them

Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.

Lesson learned

{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.

[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]

Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*