Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
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WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
We’ve all been there
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
i now pronounce you bounced.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.