Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if death gives you lemons?
What then??

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!

The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…

The difference is Staggering.

My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.

me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size

My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee

I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

Me: I’ll be there in five minutes

Pharmacist: It should be ready

Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*

Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes

Me: I KNEW IT

I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team

not to brag, but mine was free

Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”

I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes

me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf

Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.

Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

English: i before e, except after c.

Science: Ummmm, No.

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.