Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS

Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down

“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”

I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.

You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.

new career option?

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away

The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.

“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for

[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.

*proposes to girlfriend*

*accidentally drops ring in the street*

“I’ll still marry you”

Sorry, I’m married to the streets now

please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water

Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.

Hamster: Poor baby.

SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane

Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?

Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?

If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.

If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.

From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”

That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.

you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker

I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better