SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
You Might Also Like
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Look at this
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Good morning
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.