Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.

sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer

Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.

Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?

Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name

Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great

9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know

Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”

[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb

Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]

Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.

Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD

Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song

(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure

How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.

Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?

Me: Yes but

Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?

Me: What you have to understand is

Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now

*Ordering Chinese Food

Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby

My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!

When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.

How much for the goth pool noodles?

Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children