SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
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“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.