Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
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You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
“Awkward silences are the worst”
*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
The “research” scene in every horror movie
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
my mom making me talk to relatives
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not