Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
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Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
We should all go into advertising and fix what’s going on with commercials. They need our help
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
First date idea: we take your cat to the dog park.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Leaving the Barbers like
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.