Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
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A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.