Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
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I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
new career option?
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Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
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As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.