“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
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the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?