“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
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Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
So I ate some gummy bears.
Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.
I ate exactly 37…
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.