Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.

Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.

I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.

Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.

When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.

And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking

*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird

“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”

Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry

I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software

me in 2023: any day now probably

breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.

A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”

Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.

I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.

Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted

What in the hell is “disposable income”?

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.

“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then

I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation

I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.

1. My wife’s name

2. How to make a shank from a phone charger

3. I need Twitter

All is fair in drunk and war.

For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.

To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?

Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?

🤝

Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.