“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
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Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
Otters see a butterfly.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
