“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
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when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.