“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
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People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
Found the job I’m suited for
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea