Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
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I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Not helping
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.