Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”

Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷‍♀️

I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.

me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.

wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”

[sneeze one]

Bless you

[sneeze two]

Bless you

[sneeze three]

You are under arrest

[first date]

her: so what are you looking for?

me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp

It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.

If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.

TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love

TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean

911: hello this is 911

me: [panicky garbled mumbling]

911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth

me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]

*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure

me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier

If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.

Interviewer: strengths?

Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….

Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?

Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??

me: hey can I read that recipe

internet: here’s a video of how to make it

me: can I just read it

internet: WATCH THE VIDEO

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs

[IKEA-themed restaurant]

Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.

There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter

me: [flips over]

my bed: ah the cool side of the person

You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.

Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner

Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.

let the world know you’re kind of a big dill

4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?

Me, a Dad: Yeah???

4: …

4: MOMMY!!!

Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay