Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.

No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.

Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty

Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.

doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips

me: [struggling] nope

doctor: try without the stilts

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

no, no… I don’t want to be a burden

– me being a total burden

I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”

Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.

Thank heavens for community notes

You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you

Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks

They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.

Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?

Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–

Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT

[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.

I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.

She was rare…

… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.

DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.

ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now

woman: three times though?

bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling