suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
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[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
no their not
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
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Typing…
No, why?
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
