Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

Tuesday

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Probably my communication skills.

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.

Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.

Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island

Enter new password

“336Hours”

Your password is two weeks

Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.

9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?

Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.

*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*

Things I’m leaving in 2021:

Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.

Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.

Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.

To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call

–companies

Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.

When I take a minute to focus on my own life.

my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch

Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want

[on the way home]

Me: I have some tea to share with you

13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?

Me: no, tea as in like gossip

13: what, what brand is that?

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.

The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges

Someone: what have you been up to?

Me: thanks, you too.

Me: Loving this juice cleanse.

Wife: That’s sangria.

Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic

[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]