Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
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People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
I’ve had relationships like this
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.