Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
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Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Would you wear it?
“Bartender, there’s a hair on my ice cube!”
“You should have asked for shaved ice.”
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?
Me: of course, bud.
4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored