Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
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me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Reminder:
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Me too 😆
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
*apocalypse happens*
My kids: This place doesn’t have any wifi?
Me: No place has any wifi.
My kids: Ugh. This is the worst apocalypse ever!
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”