Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
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I never needed anything more in my life
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!