Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.

Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?

*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*

Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?

I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still

My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

[a boomerang is thrown at me]

me: oh no holy frickin crap !

[one second later]

me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT

ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.

That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”

😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂

FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔

I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again

It is my birthday. 🥳

If you’re American, please vote

If you’re not American, marry me

HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.

[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…

*starts new diet*

“Do not drink caffeine”

*ends new diet*

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating

Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground

Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency

I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.