Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-

ME: Launchpad McQuack

HIM: I don’t think you underst-

ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏

I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct

Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.

Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

There’s always that one guy

Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”

when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.

The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.

I didn’t have to shower alone today…..

Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?

At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.

earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads

me: will I go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw

If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.

Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands

When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.

You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.

mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth

baby birds: yay! dinner time

I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.

– me flirting

50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.

Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”

Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!

I told you these spanx were too tight.

-my tombstone

Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand