@iliezabeth

[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*

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@mrjohndarby

therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?

me: I’m afraid I am

@Shade510

HR: Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?

HR:

Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?

HR:

Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?

HR:

Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.

@TweetPotato314

me: hello 911

operator: actually you’ve reached 116

me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff

@dorsalstream

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

@cameronmattis

the good news is my custom facemask arrived, the bad news is that they printed my face 20% too large

@SveldtSmelt

If the world was made of LSD, I’d learn to walk on my tongue.

@coalslag

*Looks left*

*Looks right*

*Crosses road*

*Gets run over by chicken*

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

@ElKnuckelhombre

Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?

Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?

Wife: …

Me: No, I have not seen it.