therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
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HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
the good news is my custom facemask arrived, the bad news is that they printed my face 20% too large
If the world was made of LSD, I’d learn to walk on my tongue.
*Gets run over by chicken*
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Me: No, I have not seen it.