[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
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Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.